There's a Last Time for Everything: On Meaning

One Final Birthday

The family gathered round and sang to her. We encouraged her to make a wish. She closed her eyes, holding her palms gently in prayer. She smiled before blowing out the candles. The candlelight flickered over the surface of the strawberry mousse cake before the vapour of extinguished flame trailed off in the dining hall.

We knew what she wished for. We knew, because we wished the same. After she made the first cut, my brother helped divide the cake. Always being the generous one, she offered the slice with the most strawberry pieces to the youngest among us. We took pictures with her. We talked about what she hoped to do in the coming months. The holidays she would like to go on. The books she wanted to read. The time she would like to spend with her grandchildren.

But the cancer won. “Auntie is no more,” I remember my mom crying out. It was a hot Sunday afternoon after I had heard Mom frantically knocking on my room door. We grieved. We hugged. When we finally managed to compose ourselves, we drove to Auntie’s place. It was hard seeing her motionless body on the couch; a woman who was just a few months ago so full of life, now looking pale, at peace, but a husk of the love and liveliness she once brought into our homes. It was harder seeing her in the memorial center. We had one final glimpse before laying her to rest – a faint smile, perhaps her way of reminding us to be good while she is away. And it was hardest to realize that while we would remember her, we would never again see, hear, or be listened to by her ever again. I placed a small white lily over her casket as my final gift to her.

More Behind Us than Ahead of Us

At some point in your life, you will realize that there will be more behind than there will be ahead of you. It will be a final encounter, interaction, or birthday with another. Time ensures there will be a last time for everything. The last time your father carried you on his shoulders. The last time you will visit a certain place. The last time you will play tag with your siblings. Such reflections can invite a range of emotions – from wistful sentimentality to nostalgic fondness. Deep down, we hope that these moments never fade into obscurity. We cling to them because they remind us that we are alive. Our life is bookended by birth and death, and the realization of how irrecoverable time can be is sometimes lost in the busyness of living.

It is not all doom and gloom, however. Some part of us intrinsically realizes the fleeting fragility that is life, and we respond to stave off finality – even if it is just for one more day. Psychological research on socio-emotional selectivity theory, for one, shows that when we see ourselves as having ‘reduced time horizons,’ we become more attentive to, and more easily recall positive information over negative ones [1]. As we age, we also choose experiences that give us meaning and opportunities to strengthen cherished relationships. If today were your last day alive, you would likely focus on life’s most cherished memories and relationships, overlooking disappointments. The scarcity of time also causes us to prioritize the good we already have in our lives [2]. We opt for emotionally meaningful experiences over learning new skills [3]. We start wanting less of a future for new experiences, focusing instead on writing a meaningful life story and preserving relationships that truly matter to us [4] – sort of a psychological memoir in defiance of the impending end.

Aging brings with it a realization of one’s physical fragility and mortality. This unsettling realization, that our bodies and minds can and often will wither, is called ‘mortality salience.’ The growing shadow of death forms part of terror management theory [5]. Deep down, we are unsettled by thoughts of our own non-existence. We respond to this ‘worm at the core’ of our lives by engaging in actions and thoughts that help us make meaningful sense of our world [6]. It is uncomfortable to think of our own deaths, let alone confront them. Because of this, we try to create meaning in the face of mortality; to create a sense that we have lived enough before our time runs out.

And we do so in a wide range of interesting, sometimes positive ways. When reminded of the inevitability of our death, some research shows that we become more generous, engaging in more prosocial behaviours [7]. Some of us bequeath our material wealth for a meaningful cause. Others volunteer more – acts of helping help us create a sense of meaningfulness [8]. Reminders of mortality have also been shown to discourage people from engaging in risky health behaviours [9]. Think of your loved ones while you are driving – a message commonly seen on our roads. One study showed that the passing of chief executive officers (CEOs) is associated with an increase in the company’s engagement with prosocial behaviour and corporate social responsibility (CSR) [10]. Death, and the acknowledgment of impending death, can make us – and those around us – kinder, more giving, and focused more on others.

Crafting Meaning by Giving Ourselves to Our Most Important Relationships

What socio-emotional selectivity and terror management theories seem to suggest is that we have some kind of innate psychological response to fending off the existential threat of a meaningless existence. Studies on meaningfulness in life are related to a concept called ‘eudaimonia’ – living in accordance with one’s values and acting in ways that are guided by one’s best self [11]. A meaningful life comprises not just feeling well – but also doing well [12]. Giving to others – time, attention, service – seems to be important in creating a sense of meaningfulness. The philosopher Frank Martela offers a holistic way of looking of understanding human well-being. Well-being comprises having basic material resources, loving and being loved by others, and notably, doing and engaging in activities that are active and agentic. Fulfilling these needs contributes to the experience of being alive and fully human [13]. A full life, a meaningful one, comprises both well-being and well-doing. It is both having and doing. That doing oftentimes involves giving a part of oneself to those around us. It is a legacy we create not just for ourselves, but for others. They are parts we leave behind for those who come after.

My aunt didn’t have good health toward the end, but she was loved; she kept giving in her final days, and she showed us the beauty of her character until the end. And for that, it never felt like she was really gone from our lives, since a part of her lives on in those who remember her. You will likely have more time and health than she did. You have people who love you, and I assume you love them in turn.

What would you wish for the next time you blow out the candles on your birthday cake?

Because we don’t know when we will die, we get to think of life as an inexhaustible well. Yet everything happens a certain number of times, and a very small number, really.

~ Paul Bowles

References

[1] Carstensen, L. L., Isaacowitz, D. M., & Charles, S. T. (1999). Taking time seriously: A theory of socioemotional selectivity. American Psychologist, 54(3), 165-181. https://psycnet.apa.org/doi/10.1037/0003-066X.54.3.165

[2] Barber, S. J., Opitz, P. C., Martins, B., Sakaki, M., & Mather, M. (2016). Thinking about a limited future enhances the positivity of younger and older adults’ recall: Support for socioemotional selectivity theory. Memory & Cognition, 44(6), 869-882. https://doi.org/10.3758/s13421-016-0612-0

[3] Carstensen, L. L., & Reynolds, M. E. (2023). Age differences in preferences through the lens of socioemotional selectivity theory. The Journal of the Economics of Ageing, 24, 100440. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jeoa.2022.100440

[4] Carstensen, L. L., Fung, H. H., & Charles, S. T. (2003). Socioemotional selectivity theory and the regulation of emotion in the second half of life. Motivation and Emotion, 27(2), 103-123. https://doi.org/10.1023/A:1024569803230

[5] Rosenblatt, A., Greenberg, J., Solomon, S., Pyszczynski, T., & Lyon, D. (1989). Evidence for terror management theory: I. The effects of mortality salience on reactions to those who violate or uphold cultural values. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 57(4), 681-690. https://psycnet.apa.org/doi/10.1037/0022-3514.57.4.681

[6] Solomon, S., Greenberg, J., & Pyszczynski, T. A. (2015). The worm at the core: On the role of death in life. Random House.

[7] Zaleskiewicz, T., Gasiorowska, A., & Kesebir, P. (2015). The Scrooge effect revisited: Mortality salience increases the satisfaction derived from prosocial behavior. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 59, 67-76. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jesp.2015.03.005

[8] Chang, B., Cheng, J., Fang, J., & Lyu, Z. (2025). Mortality salience and helping intentions: Mediating role of search for meaning and moderating role of negotiable fate. Frontiers in Psychiatry, 16, 1507212. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyt.2025.1507212

[9] Martin, I. M., & Kamins, M. A. (2019). Effectively using death in health messages: Social loss versus physical mortality salience. Journal of Consumer Behaviour, 18(3), 205-218. https://doi.org/10.1002/cb.1758

[10] Chen, G., Crossland, C., & Huang, S. (2020). That could have been me: Director deaths, CEO mortality salience, and corporate prosocial behavior. Management Science, 66(7), 3142-3161. https://doi.org/10.1287/mnsc.2019.3348

[11] Huta, V., & Waterman, A. S. (2014). Eudaimonia and its distinction from hedonia: Developing a classification and terminology for understanding conceptual and operational definitions. Journal of Happiness Studies, 15(6), 1425-1456. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10902-013-9485-0

[12] Lieder, F., Prentice, M., & Corwin‐Renner, E. R. (2022). An interdisciplinary synthesis of research on understanding and promoting well‐doing. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 16(9), e12704. https://doi.org/10.1111/spc3.12704

[13] Martela, F. (2024). Being as having, loving, and doing: A theory of human well-being. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 28(4), 372-397. https://doi.org/10.1177/10888683241263634

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