So Close, Yet so Far – The Psychology behind Intimate, yet Distant Relationships during the Pandemic

Everyone is Going Online!

The COVID-19 pandemic has forced us into lockdowns, and for some of us, self-imposed quarantines. Following this, we’ve become more reliant on the internet for entertainment, information, and communication given the circumstances we find ourselves in. Online advertising consultancy firm DoubleVerify found in a recent survey that online content consumption has doubled in 2020, with almost half of the users increasing their time spent across various online platforms – social media, news sites and streaming services [1]. Lockdowns have also altered our social support circle. Sarah Höppner of DW.com and Amanda Mull of The Atlantic report that because of this change in how we relate to others, only our closest ties will prevail [2,3]. Suzanne Degges-White, writing for Psychology Today, offered insights on how many online friends can evolve into close connections, but also highlighted difficulties turning these online connections into real-life friends [4]. As someone who has been using the internet for forming new connections during this time, I too, have found new friends online – some of whom I now share close friendships. But I am curious about the nature of these friendships. Why do we go online to meet new people, make ourselves vulnerable to online strangers and even become close friends to some of them?

We Reach Out During Trying Times

This pandemic is a major life stressor for all of us, and it has made a significant change to our social life. The stressful situation worsens when we are unable to physically meet our friends or families due to lockdowns and quarantines. We lack the closeness and comfort of our social support system, which helps us cope with life’s stressors [5]. One of the many ways we can try to recover this disconnection is through finding new social connections on the internet. We can look for new potential friends from our online platforms or our hobby groups, not just to discuss our hobbies and socialize with, but also to share our problems and also our emotional challenges. We can form new connections online to discuss our experiences, receive emotional support, and better cope with the current stressful situation [6]. The act of seeking out new friends is rooted in our psyche. It is well studied from neurobiological, psychological, and evolutionary perspectives. We survive – and thrive better in the company and presence of others [6]. Indeed, strong social support contributes to better mental health for adolescents [7], partly explaining why young adults have been reaching out to people online and connecting with them during this pandemic.

We May Be More Talkative Online

Interestingly, we may find ourselves sharing more about ourselves with those we’ve only met online – sometimes even revealing our secrets and personal feelings with strangers on the internet. People self-disclose – usually their surface-level interests and hobbies, simply because they want others to be aware of their interest to participate in certain activities. Adolescents, conversely, tend to disclose more about themselves to fit in; acceptance with peers feels good [8]. But we may be promoted to do so more online simply because of the anonymity afforded to us via the internet. A study done on exploring the relationship between anonymity, self-disclosure and sharing of intimate information found that anonymity on the internet increases disclosure of personal and intimate information [9]. Another study found that limited eye-contact during online interactions is linked to reduced control online, thereby making online interactions more informal, less embarrassing, and importantly, less restrictive [10]. These studies partly explain why we are more open to sharing more about ourselves with people we interact with online. During stressful times, we seek those who will empathize with our negative feelings and have a good social support system that allows us to do so. It is reassuring to know that there are others too, who are experiencing the same feelings, and this may lend some perspective to our experiences [11]. Moreover, our listeners also play a role in driving us to speak more. We like to be in online conversations talking about ourselves when our listeners empathize with us [12]. Empathic remarks from our listener drive us to disclose more about ourselves [13]. These studies indicate that we use the internet as a platform to ‘voice our hearts’ because we are not pressured by the physical presence of others.

Our Similarity Brings Us Closer

As we move to the internet to look for people facing the same troubles as ours, we might find ourselves returning to certain online groups more than others. We still prefer to self-disclose only to people with whom we are close to [9]. Our listeners resemble close friends with which we share such intimate information. But why do we develop this sense of closeness with our online friends despite not having physically interacted with them? Social psychology holds some answers to this question, suggesting that one of the key factors that increase interpersonal attraction is similarity. People who share our beliefs could validate and agree on our judgments, which would make us feel good about ourselves [6]. One study showed that especially in the online context (compared to offline and mixed-mode interactions), similarity played the strongest role in having a high-quality friendship [14]. This finding indicates that the online friends we are closest with are probably those who understands us because they are similar to us in some way. Put another way, we don’t just play the same video games or share the same hobby with these people, they also have certain characters that we see are identical to – reflections of ourselves. Intimate exchanges, sharing of personal life experiences and feelings, serve to further amplify such similarities, making us more connected and closer to our online friends. Our friendships thus go from just shared interest to shared lives. Social psychology also suggests that we tend to like back those who like us [6]. If we find more similarity from reciprocal sharing, and the attraction between us grows, we continue to validate our friends – perhaps by sending them affirmations or even virtual hugs. These online friendships can indeed flourish in ways similar to those of conventional friendships.

Final Notes and Dedication

The pandemic did not just take away our social life. For many of us, it also gave us a unique opportunity to make friends that we now could not imagine being without. It magnified some quirks of human behaviour, especially how we communicate amongst ourselves, and highlights how the internet is changing our relationships. Our new, online friendships also gave us much more opportunity to learn about ourselves – and helped us realize that perhaps, the quality of our friendships matters more than the number of friends we have on Facebook. I dedicate this writing to the new closest friends I made in the past year, Rush, Melon, Alonzo, and Razor, that they taught me so much about myself, and instil my passion in contributing to the world.

Reference:

[1] DoubleVerify (2020, September 23). Global consumer insights: Four fundamental shifts in media and advertising during 2020. Retrieved from https://doubleverify.com/four-fundamental-shifts-in-media-and-advertising-during-2020/

[2] Höppner, S. (2021, February 15). How the coronavirus pandemic is affecting friendships. Deutsche Welle. https://p.dw.com/p/3pOQv

[3] Mull, A. (2021, January 28). The pandemic has erased entire categories of friendship. The Atlantic. https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2021/01/pandemic-goodbye-casual-friends/617839/

[4] Degges-White, S. (2020, May 29). Do online friendships differ from face-to-face friendships? Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/lifetime-connections/202005/do-online-friendships-differ-face-face-friendships

[5] Ciccarelli, S. K. & White, J. N. (2020). Psychology (6th ed.). Pearson.

[6] Branscombe, N. R. & Baron, R. A. (2017). Social psychology (14th ed.). Pearson.

[7] Cavanaugh, A. M. & Buehler, C. (2016). Adolescent loneliness and social anxiety: The role of multiple sources of support. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 33(2), 149-170. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407514567837

[8] Wang, P., Xie, X., Wang, X., Wang, X., Zhao, F., Chu, X., Nie, J. & Lei, L. (2018). The need to belong and adolescent authentic self-presentation on SNSs: A moderated mediation model involving FoMO and perceived social support. Personality and Individual Differences, 128, 133-138. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2018.02.035

[9] Xiao, M., Hancock, J. & Naaman, M. (2016). Anonymity, intimacy and self-disclosure in social media. CHI ’16: Proceedings of the 2016 CHI Conference on Human Factors in Computing Systems, 3857-3869. https://doi.org/10.1145/2858036.2858414

[10] Lapidot-Lefler, N. & Barak, A. (2012). Effects of anonymity, invisibility, and lack of eye-contact on toxic online disinhibition. Computers in Human Behavior, 28, 434-443. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chb.2011.10.014

[11] Townsend, S. S. M., Kim, H. S. & Mesquita, B. (2014). Are you feeling what I’m feeling? Emotional similarity buffers stress. Social Psychological and Personality Science, 5(5), 526-533. https://doi.org/10.1177/1948550613511499

[12] Pfeil, U. & Zaphiris, P. (2007). Patterns of empathy in online communication. CHI '07: Proceedings of the SIGCHI Conference on Human Factors in Computing Systems, 919-928. https://doi.org/10.1145/1240624.1240763

[13] Bedell, J. R. & Lennox, S. S. (1997). Handbook for communication and problem-solving skills training: A cognitive-behavioral approach. John Wiley & Sons. https://books.google.com.my/books?id=tpgkGiqhADwC&pg=PA84&lpg=PA84&dq=empathic+statements&source=bl&ots=XgcxPWItSu&sig=ACfU3U0muDzhUIudw6YjJ9BZEjenfWM5nA&hl=en&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwiB26qykLfvAhUDxTgGHWJXCwk4FBDoATACegQIERAD#v=onepage&q=empathic%20statements&f=false

[14] Antheunis, M. L., Valkenburg, P. M. & Peter, J. (2012). The quality of online, offline, and mixed-mode friendships among users of a social networking site. Cyberpsychology: Journal of Psychosocial Research on Cyberspace, 6(3), Article 6. https://doi.org/10.5817/CP2012-3-6

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