It is Sometimes in the Silence That We Hear the Most: On How Conversations Shape Our Connections

Conversations as the Lifeblood of Our Connections

Think of the last time you had a conversation that left you saying to yourself, “I am so grateful I have this person in my life.” Numerous psychological studies show that positive communication styles enhance the quality of our connections, particularly in intimate relationships [1]. Perhaps no other research team knows this better than the husband-and-wife team of John and Julie Gottman, who show that patterns of communication marked by contempt, criticism, stonewalling, and defensiveness are strong predictors of marital separation [2]. These ‘four horsemen,’ as the Gottmans call them, predict divorce more than 90% of the time. A quarter of Malaysian marriages end due to ‘irreconcilable differences'; the inability to communicate and resolve challenges leads to more marriages ending than those due to domestic violence [3]. Family law firms often cite poor communication as a primary reason for divorce, while research on ‘negative reciprocity’ shows that interactions filled with negative emotions, complaints, and criticisms are strongly predictive of a marriage breakdown [4]. Conversations are a bellwether for our relationships’ emotional and psychological closeness. And what we know from the research on marriages helps guide us to a better understanding of the nature of our friendships as well.

Recently, research has examined skills that help strengthen our relationships. One such skill is positive empathy – the ability to share, celebrate, and enjoy others’ positive emotions [5]. Encouraging others to share positive experiences and their positive emotions strengthens social closeness and well-being. Conversations with positive empathy enhance relationship robustness. The ‘openness toward the positive’ enhances the depth of our conversations, lowers the tendency to suppress emotions, and predicts friendship satisfaction [6]. Empathizing with and celebrating your colleagues’, friends’, and spouse’s good news helps us amplify their positive emotions and strengthen our connections with them [7]. When we celebrate the positives in others, we not only attune ourselves to others but also celebrate their good fortune and a friendship.

If I Shared Good News with You, Would You be Happy for Me?

How do you respond when a friend or partner shares good news with you? When others share good news with us, we can reply in one of four ways. We can delight in their joy, providing enthusiastic support and affirmation for them. We can provide understated support – we feel happy but extend their good news beyond what we think is ‘enough.’ We could dismiss their good fortune. Or, we could destroy and demean their success. Ideally, you would want to be a friend who does the first – acknowledging and then amplifying the positive emotions shared with you. This style is what relationship researcher Shelly Gable calls an ‘active-constructive’ approach [8]. When we celebrate good news with our spouses and close friends, we foster a shared identity that creates a feeling of ‘we-ness’ [9].

Recall a scenario when your friend shared good news with you. They received a promotion at work. They got engaged. They went on an overseas holiday. It is, admittedly, hard to be happy for them if you find yourself struggling at work, stressing about your romantic relationships, or realizing that you can’t save enough for a holiday. But such patterns of communication say something about the kind of friendship you have and the kind of friend you are. Author Arthur Brooks distinguishes between what he calls ‘real friends’ and ‘deal friends’ [10]. Are your friends mostly individuals who are ‘useful,’ beneficial, and can help you get ahead in life? Is their collegiality or camaraderie helpful to you? You might think of a professional contact or supportive colleague as such a friend, who aids you in business or your career. There’s nothing inherently wrong with such friends – we all need and benefit from having some deal friends in our lives. But you might want to consider whether most of your friends are simply within this category. Deal friends are not necessarily friends who will offer the kinds of conversations that enrich your life. Maybe this is why, understandably, we may have been advised to refrain from treating colleagues as friends.

What Kind of Friend are You? What Kind of Friends Do You Want to Have?

Not everyone will celebrate you or your efforts. Not everyone, even those you consider friends, will necessarily take delight in your accomplishments. It was important for me to realize that some people are more likely to see you as rivals. But why the muted responses or even downplaying of good fortune, you might ask. I would guess that envy, insecurity, or resentment play a part in these reactions. A ‘deal friend’ is what the Greek philosopher Aristotle refers to as a ‘friend of utility.’ It is telling how such a friend might respond to my progress and achievements in a passively muted way. “Oh, that’s nice – good for you.” And sometimes, they responded in ways that actively seek to put down your efforts. “So what? I’ve known friends who managed to get promoted, made more money, went on a holiday to France, is more accomplished than you, is taller than you, drives a nicer car than you.

There is, however, a specific type of friend we all cherish. And perhaps this is the friend we wish to be ourselves. Aristotle calls this a friend of virtue. This is a friend who has qualities you admire, and who admires you in turn. The friend who wants the best for you and simply enjoys your company without expecting anything more than your presence. A friend who enhances your well-being. And from the research, a friend who expresses delight in your happiness. Paradoxically, these are friends who can do nothing for you; they are the opposite of deal friends. Friends of virtue do not keep a check and balance on favours. This is the friend who shows, through their conversations, “I want nothing but for you to be happy, to feel loved, to both feel and do good” [11]. You can often tell from the communication quality with these friends – the conversations seem lighter, you leave feeling more assured and seen for who you are, celebrated for simply being. You could have left off a conversation with a friend of virtue months ago and pick up the conversation as you left it a year later. And it is often, as I’ve realized, the silence – the gaps and distance in between conversations, that reveal the most about the quality of our friendships.

What kind of friend are you to others?

What kind of friends do you want more of, and how might you enhance this through your conversations?

You hesitate to stab me with a word, and know not - silence is the sharper sword.

- Samuel Johnson

References

[1] Jubran, M., Wang, N., Hartman, A., & Georgia, E. (2026). Our love language: A systematic review of the association between observed couple communication and relationship satisfaction. Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice, 15(1), 1–15. https://doi.org/10.1037/cfp0000280

[2] Gottman, J. (2018). The seven principles for making marriage work. Hachette UK.

[3] Noorshahrizam, S.A. (2022). SIS Study: Communication failure now main cause of marriage breakdowns in Malaysia, above domestic violence. Available at: https://www.malaymail.com/news/malaysia/2022/04/20/sis-study-communication-failure-now-main-cause-of-marriage-breakdowns-in-ma/2054688

[4] Salazar, L. R. (2015). The negative reciprocity process in marital relationships: A literature review. Aggression and Violent Behavior, 24, 113-119. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.avb.2015.05.008

[5] Morelli, S. A., Lieberman, M. D., & Zaki, J. (2015). The emerging study of positive empathy. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 9(2), 57-68. https://doi.org/10.1111/spc3.12157

[6] Wilson, R. E., Harris, K., & Vazire, S. (2015). Personality and friendship satisfaction in daily life: Do everyday social interactions account for individual differences in friendship satisfaction? European Journal of Personality, 29(2), 173-186. https://doi.org/10.1002/per.1996

[7] Woods, S., Lambert, N., Brown, P., Fincham, F., & May, R. (2015). “I’m so excited for you!” How an enthusiastic responding intervention enhances close relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 32(1), 24-40. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407514523545

[8] Gable, S. L., Reis, H. T., Impett, E. A., & Asher, E. R. (2004). What Do You Do When Things Go Right? The Intrapersonal and Interpersonal Benefits of Sharing Positive Events. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 87(2), 228–245. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.87.2.228

[9] Pagani, A. F., Parise, M., Donato, S., Gable, S. L., & Schoebi, D. (2020). If you shared my happiness, you are part of me: Capitalization and the experience of couple identity. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 46(2), 258-269. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167219854449

[10] Brooks, A.C. (2021). The best friends can do nothing for you. Available at: https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2021/04/deep-friendships-aristotle/618529/

[11] Anderson, A. R., & Fowers, B. J. (2020). An exploratory study of friendship characteristics and their relations with hedonic and eudaimonic well-being. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 37(1), 260-280. https://doi.org/10.1177/026540751986115

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