Enrich Your Conversations by Cultivating Attunement

Ultimately, the bond of all companionship, whether in marriage or in friendship, is conversation.

Oscar Wilde

A Quarter of the World’s Population is Lonely

A few years ago, staff writers and contributors at Emotivity covered how people around the world are reporting increasing rates of loneliness. Reports of loneliness made headlines during the COVID-19 pandemic, with self-imposed isolation leading countless people to retreat to their personal and virtual spheres. Studies conducted during the global health crisis showed that loneliness worsened both physical and social health and prompted maladaptive behaviours such as alcohol abuse [1]. With the World Health Organization declaring the end to the global health emergency on 11th May 2023, we might reasonably expect people to find cause for cheer – that they now have the opportunities and freedom to re-establish the closeness of their ties with others.

Yet, loneliness is still at concerningly high levels around the world. One study sampling 113 countries, using data from 2000-2019, suggests that the pandemic might not have been the sole cause for loneliness; loneliness was already a health concern before we confronted the challenges of COVID-19 [2]. A recent poll by Gallup – this one using data from 140 countries after the pandemic, reports that 24% of the world’s population report being very or fairly lonely [3]. The poll also revealed that 27% of younger adults – those between the ages of 19-29 were most likely to report high levels of loneliness. While many have resorted to using social media to stay connected during lockdowns, recent evidence suggests that it may instead be driving disconnection. A cross-national study sampling respondents from North America, Europe, and Australia showed that increasing social media use was associated with greater loneliness. That is, those who use social media to maintain relationships with others reported higher levels of loneliness than those who use social media for other reasons [4].

How Technology Impedes Disconnection

We have, ingrained within us, mechanisms that allow us to pay attention to, and perceive the intentions of others. We learn through observing others and reasoning about the consequences of our actions. Part of our social-cognitive mechanisms allows us to intuitively know that there are better (and worse) ways of navigating and negotiating our social networks. Relating and connecting with others is something we have done as a species over our evolutionary history. But the introduction of technology and social media has upended how we connect authentically with others. Researchers highlight that this mismatch is a form of ‘technoference,’ arguing that smartphones have impeded our ability, and diminished our opportunities to meaningfully relate and form close emotional connections with others [5]. The allure and appeal of social media give us the illusion that we are connecting with others, intensifying rather than alleviating our loneliness. Social media connections are connections – but they are not, in the same way, the deep, authentic, and mutually fulfilling connections our well-being relies on.

If anything, the accumulating evidence suggests that it may be a double-edged sword. We may find ourselves more distracted and zoning out when our friend shares an experience with us. Some research also shows that distractions from phones shift our attention away from others, diminishing the quality of our connections. Termed ‘phubbing,’ the use of phones when conversing with another is shown to lower intimacy in conversations [6]. We may also listen with the intent of responding rather than to understand. We might grow impatient when someone takes longer or hesitates when making their point. We swap out mutually enriching conversations with a quick peek into our social media feeds when in-person conversations become boring. In short, we are becoming less attuned to those around us, a consequence of, in no small part, how technology has changed how we relate to others.

Giving the Gift of Presence and Attention

Is there a way to enrich connections by enhancing how we interact with others? Surely we can do better by giving others the gift of our attention. In their book Missing Each Other: How to Create Meaningful Connections, Edward Brodkin and Ashley Pallathra introduce the concept of attunement. Attunement goes beyond simply listening. Attunement is “the ability to be aware of your state of mind and body while also tuning in and connecting with others” [7]. Seen this way, attuning ourselves to others is not simply hearing the other person out. Rather, it also involves being mindful of how the interactions and conversations with others affect you as the listener. Attuning oneself to another means going beyond ‘placing ourselves in the others’ shoes’ – it goes beyond empathy in that it allows both parties to feel connected to each other’s emotions, needs, and desires [8].

You might think of attunement as a way to interact harmoniously with one another. Brodkin and Pallathra use the analogy of a group of jazz musicians to describe what attunement feels like. Consider how the jazz musicians produce music in step with one another, but also allow each member the space and opportunity to improvise in response to the musical direction and creative liberties of each member. Attunement, much like a jazz band playing in synchrony, in tune, in tempo, with one another, is an expression of relational harmony. You might think about how this is similar to your best conversations. Meaningful conversations, like improvisational music, are an ever-changing, flowing process – an experience that is neither static nor one where a final destination or outcome is reached. It is not a simple mirroring of thought or emotion, but one where we move, think, and feel in symphony with one another. If the conversation were a dance, we would be in step with the other throughout the way. The gift we give others by attuning ourselves is the gift of attention. It is a gift made all the more important in a world where the ability to give others one’s undivided attention has become increasingly scarce.

Cultivating Attunement

The next time you engage in a conversation with another, try giving – for that time, the gift of your attention to the person you are speaking to. To develop attunement, consider the four elements of this ability, practising the suggestions listed below.

Relaxed awareness: Can you stay calm, yet alert when listening to others? Do you find it easy to maintain your attention connecting with others? One part of being attuned is the cultivation of a state of alertness, yet calmness – a gentle non-reactivity and non-distraction when connecting with the other. This sense of mindful awareness allows us to integrate not just what is said, but also helps us realize how the conversation is affecting our thoughts and sensations [9]. Try approaching what is said by the other in the spirit of open-mindedness and curiosity. The next time you speak with someone, take note of how the other person is feeling, but also, regularly check in with how you are experiencing the conversation yourself.

Listening: Do you find it easy to listen attentively to another? Is it easy for you to not get caught up with your thoughts and emotions? Being attuned to another requires attending to what you see and hear from the other person, along with your reactions to what is said. Importantly, this should not be a passive process. Mirroring and matching the other person’s verbal and non-verbal cues can help ensure that the conversation stays in sync. You and your conversation partner are moved and matched cognitively and emotionally. Mirroring smoothens the conversation and has been shown to enhance liking between interacting people [10].

Understanding: Do you find it easy ‘get’ what the other person is communicating? Do others say that you understand them well? Understanding refers to the ability to appreciate another’s viewpoints and intentions and relies on perspective-taking. Asking questions in response to what is said can enhance your understanding of another’s perspective. Checking your assumptions can help ensure that what you understand is consistent with what you hear. And the research bears this out too – meta-analytic evidence shows perspective-taking to be an important predictor of romantic relationship satisfaction [11].

Mutual responsiveness: Do you allow space and opportunity for others to speak? Do your conversations build on top of one another, and allow you to experience a smooth transition from one topic to another? You might think of some of the best conversations you’ve had as a dance of two minds, one where both individuals take turns to respond, build, and nurture the interactions with one another. Mutual responsiveness relies on good listening habits, but it is also important to consider the motivations of both parties. Do you and the other person want the conversation to be about shared interests and concerns? Validating the other, celebrating the good news, and expressing gratitude all rely on the interacting parties engaging in mutual responsiveness – taking turns to understand and enrich each other [12]. The next time you engage in a conversation with another, take note of the conversational flow. Do you build upon and affirm each other’s concerns? Is there equal opportunity for both parties to share, relate, and ultimately, connect meaningfully with one another?

References

[1] Allen, J., Darlington, O., Hughes, K., & Bellis, M. A. (2022). The public health impact of loneliness during the COVID-19 pandemic. BMC Public Health, 22(1), 1-9. https://doi.org/10.1186/s12889-022-14055-2

[2] Surkalim, D. L., Luo, M., Eres, R., Gebel, K., van Buskirk, J., Bauman, A., & Ding, D. (2022). The prevalence of loneliness across 113 countries: Systematic review and meta-analysis. BMJ, 376. https://doi.org/10.1136/bmj-2021-067068

[3] Maese, E. (2023). Almost a quarter of the world feels lonely. Gallup. Accessed at: https://news.gallup.com/opinion/gallup/512618/almost-quarter-world-feels-lonely.aspx

[4] Bonsaksen, T., Ruffolo, M., Price, D., Leung, J., Thygesen, H., Lamph, G., ... & Geirdal, A. Ø. (2023). Associations between social media use and loneliness in a cross-national population: Do motives for social media use matter? Health Psychology and Behavioral Medicine, 11(1), 2158089. https://doi.org/10.1080/21642850.2022.2158089

[5] Sbarra, D. A., Briskin, J. L., & Slatcher, R. B. (2019). Smartphones and close relationships: The case for an evolutionary mismatch. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 14(4), 596-618. https://doi.org/10.1177/1745691619826535

[6] Abeele, M. M. V., Hendrickson, A. T., Pollmann, M. M., & Ling, R. (2019). Phubbing behavior in conversations and its relation to perceived conversation intimacy and distraction: An exploratory observation study. Computers in Human Behavior, 100, 35-47. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chb.2019.06.004

[7] Brodkin, E. & Pallathra, A. (2021). Missing each other: How to cultivate meaningful connections. Public Affairs.

[8] Erskine, R. G. (1998). Attunement and involvement: Therapeutic responses to relational needs. International Journal of Psychotherapy, 3(3), 235.

[9] Siegel, D. J. (2009). Mindful awareness, mindsight, and neural integration. The Humanistic Psychologist, 37(2), 137-158. https://doi.org/10.1080/08873260902892220

[10] Chartrand, T. L., & Bargh, J. A. (1999). The chameleon effect: The perception–behavior link and social interaction. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 76(6), 893-910. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.76.6.893

[11] Cahill, V. A., Malouff, J. M., Little, C. W., & Schutte, N. S. (2020). Trait perspective taking and romantic relationship satisfaction: A meta-analysis. Journal of Family Psychology, 34(8), 1025–1035. https://doi.org/10.1037/fam0000661

[12] Arican-Dinc, B., & Gable, S. L. (2023). Responsiveness in romantic partners’ interactions. Current Opinion in Psychology, 101652. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2023.101652

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